the international terminal at SFO is a lot more interesting than the domestic - i tell ya - but it does not make up for the lack of sign implying that this indeed was where my flight was leaving from. *shrug* tt and i circled a few times, which were a few more revolutions than i would have had with him if i had been dropped off the first time around. just thought i would mention that.

so i am off, off tonight (Wed) on a red-eye to atlanta - to an unfamiliar world of children and family. i am already happy to leave there, to be able to sleep again and to have some peace. not sure what else to say about the trip other than i will know when it happens. i am tired, perhaps i will sleep.

work was a pain today - just a bit of a pinch, slight bruise, scrape that will wear off in time with no apparent harm done, but still a pain. i tend to scar easily - and those little scars help me remember you, what you did, and your fucking comeuppance - oh yes. other than that work was fine.

and last night, an anxiety dream:
i am riding in the passenger seat of the car, tt driving, on a 3 lane highway in suxburgh. as we cruise along we notice, in front of us down the road a bit, two large caddys just bursting with gangstas (talk about stereotype, jeez *smacks brain*) bouncing down the road on their monster struts. they are in the process of harassing a car and one of them jumps onto the car and tries to break/get in. totally terrifying to watch, we decide to shoot by and get in-front of the swerving cars (safer than behind?)
as we pass the car jumper leaps onto the passenger side of our car and grins inches from my face. at this point i realize, of course, that my window is open and reach for the window switch the same time he reaches into the car to grab at my jacket. the window will not close with an obstruction and i cannot get his arm out of the car. my left arm is to weak to punch, and my blows land on and around his face uslessly. i cannot push him out and off of the car and the panic level rises. i do everything i can to get him off the car while we speed down the highway, tt steadily accelerating, and the carjacker is almost to a point of crawling in the car. i have tried everything except the thing i know will work - not wanting to - but as i have no other choice i set my left thumb against his right eye and slowly/steadily push.
he screams and lets go of the car and floats for just a moment, white t-shirt and jeans billowing out on kite arms as the 100+mph wind catches him - and then he is gone, back to the two cadillacs and the rest of the rubber-neckers behind us. i see the jacker slip smoothly down the front of a car and underneath, certain death, and we speed on, afraid of caddy retalation.
i wake up in terror thinking about calling 911 to report, and the realization that i have caused a death.

* * *
i have not had a chance to write any more until now, waiting for my flight home. there is a delay, and so i type. the trip - the trip was actually much more fun than i anticipated. i dreaded being around so many children, and the rents.

downside1: my father may still know who i am, but i was never certain, and was yelled at quite a few times for just being in the same room with him. he was frustrated, not able to say what he wished to and not able to follow simple instructions such as - take off your shoes, they are muddy from outside. he was lost in my sister's house, not able to find his bedroom after staying in it for over a week. they left him alone for 1/2 hour with a huge dinner to work on, but he managed to forget that he was sitting in-front of his dinner, and tried warming a can of soup on the stove, and when lighting the stove did not work, in the microwave, still in the can. not to bad, all in all, except he left the stove burner on and filled the house up with gas. luckily an explosion and exsphixciation were avoided.
it is such a shame, and wish i felt differently, but i do not - i feel sorry for him in ways, but mostly i just want the bother to stop, and wonder how long his brain will be able to deteriorate before his life-functionality is effected. i am a horrible person to be waiting for/thinking about this - yes - but it is probably natural in a situation where my father and i (as well as the rest of the family) have never been close. he was an absentee father, saying he loved us, but never really there to show it. it is all a shame *shrug* and i am sure it will upset me someday, i just do not know exactly when.
downside2:me mum was a bitch as always, and i found myself asking her to be nicer, etc. perhaps i am useless to her now, as i do not give her pity, nor do i have children. not sure. she seems to be annoyed with my other two sisters just as much, but she tends to take it out on me. i was disappointed to learn she was going to be there, and a bit afraid and reluctant to go with my father being under the same roof.
but, my sister and her family were an almost delight. i changed no diapers and was able to sleep. i read stories and played trains, explored the woods (behind their house) and helped with homework, kissed a few boo-boos and talked down some upsettedness, and for the most part had a really good time. wobeastman, her husband and i had some great talks and we took the kids out of school one day for a thrilling day at the new aquarium. aquariums are amazing, especially when brand new and huge. (at one point i was overcome by a huge 26ft. viewing wall of their largest tank - holy crap - i had tears in my eyes. ah technology, it never ceases to amaze. and i touched a stingray. woot!)