i made a decision last night as i lay awake in the bedroom, in the livingroom, �and wandered without aim/purpose through our moonlit house. i have decided that dancing is not mentally healthy for me, and that this friday will be my last performance with my current dance company. my anxiety is inhibiting me, causing frustration, as well as a deep rooted rage.
things just are not ok in my head when it comes to unsuccessful/bumbling planning - and the dance company is completely un-organized. last performance i was under the impression that working on the piece and changing it up to the last half-hour before the show was an anomaly. this performance is worse, by far. we barely have the piece blocked out and are not meeting again until just before the show on friday. i am being pressured to change my plans, get there earlier, upset my schedule (a BIG anxiety/stressor for me.) i am feeling guilty and unhappy, and i received another phone call from evilimp last night - i *shudder* when her name comes up on the cell. she bitched me out for various reasons and eventually ended up hanging up on me around midnight - i do not think she listened to anything i said, as per usual.
taking this in stride is something i am not capable of doing, thusly the no sleep at all last night accompanied with shaking/anxiety attack/mind whirling roller coaster evening of hell. i have not been able to write/think about this for a while, as i was trying my best to be patient and to stick with the situation, but the more i look at things and past interactions with evilimp, the more unhealthy i see our friendship being.
when friends begin to take too much and not give back i shrink �i hide �and eventually i wither away until the friendship is over. i am not stable enough to give that kind of support, and emotional vampirism is something that has long ago lost any charm it had - unfortunately i am also stubborn so i tend to hang in there an try to make things work until they completely fall apart. i am talking extremes here, not needing a shoulder to lean on stuff - that is great/fine/totally cool - this is all out selfish depressive emotional abuse, the not listening to anything i say, internalizing and blowing out of proportion any friendly interaction out of desperation to blame something, and guilt their issues on me because i am a bad person/bad friend kind of stuff.
this is the fourth time this has happened (every time hurts, the guilt and blaming myself for these situations will never go away i fear)-
*-* the first time was with a high school friend who broke off our friendship because she was becoming me and could not be herself when i was around. we tried friendship again a few years later, but her anger came out in scathing comments when visiting me in boston. i was almost at my lowest point in the low/sad time - she claimed not to know me anymore and scathed to me that if i was so unhappy and depressed with the world, why don�t i just kill myself now and get it over with. i believe her visit was in-between the two times i was committed for suicide attempts - the clincher is that she knew about me wanting to off the me - she knew - and still said such hurtful things. i have not been able to bring myself to try friendship with her a third time, and as tempting as it has been as she is a good-hearted and interesting individual, one only gets a chance to break my heart two times. i must protect myself. not sure if this one exactly qualifies as emotional vampirism, but noteworthy none the less.
*-* the second time was an older woman i befriended around the same time in boston, an older mother figure (she was 45) i trusted and worked with at the library. we would lunch together and hang out in her apartment for tea. somehow i did not think it too odd that she always took her pants off when we walked in the door, she was uncomfortable in them and wanted to be comfy in her house - whatever *shrug* - eventually the friendship became more needy and she started calling and calling, you are my only friend, the only one i can talk toetc. and i started to shift the all so important balance between supporting myself and supporting my friends to solely supporting my friend. she was sexually abused by her husband, she was an alcoholic - i listened and shrank and exhausted, dreaded the calls more and more. the last straw of the situation was a combination of her kissing/touching/advancing on me one afternoon in her apartment and her husband calling me up a few days later ask me the favor of driving her to the hospital to commit her for alcoholic treatment. i never again returned her calls or pleading messages - i just could not.
*-* time three was more recent, after the move back home to suxburgh from boston with me tail between me legs. a friend of my bostonX and i became close - a lovely little grrlie with a fun personality and wiggle to her step. she was more �out there� than i was in every way possible, and i looked up to her freak/oddness with adoration and a bit of envy. the closer we became the more i lost pieces of myself. she was close to death, always, and constantly in the hospital. she was mentally unstable and in rocky relationships. she was needy for support and i gave all that i had - man, who wouldn�t? the support balance shifted again and i started to realize the conversations were all about her issues, unsolvable problems, etc. and i started to wonder if she really cared about me at all. she was giving, yes, and would spend hours/days on gifts for me and others - but i needed more emotional support out of the relationship. i needed to be able to speak, to be heard, to be respected and loved and cherished. in this case my masters graduation party was the last test of my patience. i had been in school for 10 years at that point, and my big celebration/day was tarnished by a completely drunken grrl who fluctuated between incredibly loud explanations of how she gives head to her current beaux, and wailing about her brother being engaged (and her not being.) all in the middle of the party, in the center of attention, center stage - using my day for her own emotional ends and not discretely taking care of her self in a bedroom or bathroom (she brought a friend cross-state to the party, and he was unable to get her to calm down enough to go to a bedroom/stop making a scene - she just did not care.) putting herself first, again. i realized during that party what my friendship meant to her and just how she felt about me and my life. the friendship shriveled away from that point on. i miss her the most, really. we have never had resolution, or have even talked about what happened to our friendship. apologies from both sides are in order, but will go unsaid. i have given up the ghost (although i have written about this before and probably will again - still painful it is, yes�)
it is easy to lose myself in supporting others because i love my friends more that i love myself? i do not hate/loathe the me as much as in the past, and am getting better at protect/respecting myself - but i do need to look at new friendships with a bit more hesitation and carefulness. i am so drained right now it is hard for me to reach out to those who need support at the moment, and for this i apologize. i will be back up and running soon, i promise.
primary on the list, however, is to cheer the fuck up for the extravaganza that is tt�s birthday today (!!) - and second to get through the dance practice and performance on friday without blowing up or shutting down. after friday i can concentrate on the love that is aikido and my sunday exam, on the wedding planning/love of my life, and on my cherished friends from back home who have been so supportive as of late. i miss you my lovelies, please keep safe and feel extraordinary and significant - there is a grrlie on the west coast that would like nothing else than to get lost in one of your hugs and thanks whatever entity there may be that created you, and the love you are.
