i am mostly over it - but...

...but i'll explain it anyway. i am, at times, a stompy 4-year old girl. i know this, but it does not make the rush of emotions any easier to control or understand. lately things at work have been fast and a bit stressful - on top of this turmoil was placed a single straw, and then came the flood. yay for anxiety attacks, crying at my desk at work and generally turning into a slightly-girl-shaped puddle of ick.

what oh what could cause this smoothe and slick librarian to decompose, implode and melt-down?

lets just say it is a combination of family issues and lonliness - always a good amalgamation. i will pedal back a bit to a few months ago: tt and i stare at each other, stare at the cats, ride the bus, work, sleep. tt and i are alone, but exciting times are a-brewin, yes, for we are taking a class... a class in which we may meet others like ourselves (open-minded, a bit eccentric, fun, no kids, cute, and quite a bit geeky - any takers?) tt and i do well in the class, people like us and at times even smile - it is a good experience. i like to share good things and therefore invite sither and hoffliebe to join, as hoffleibe has wanted to get back in to aikido for years. they join and all is good - the sky is blue, the birds sing, i introduce sither around, i ding-a-ling-dang my dang-a-long-ling-long.

sither tells me she has called our instructor up (my favorite for potential friends in the class, i shall call her secant) and invited her out shopping. the sky fell. sither beat me. there are long lines between the sither and i, ones i do not cross - one of which is the friend line. it simply does not work to share friends with her (long history short, she tends to use my friends as if they are disposable and her friends are a bunch of jackasses.)

so, back to the meat - i felt betrayed and shat-upon, especially when sither called me to make plans on sunday afternoon and called back an hour later to cancel (secant had called her back in that time and they did their shopping trip at that time instead.) double diss. sither called me to make-up after i cried, you see. a make-up, no, i was just kidding i changed my mind fuck you instead set of calls. the knife twist was later that evening when secant very excitedly told me about their trip - sither and secant went out shopping and had a marvelous and knee-slapping time - secant did not see the seething slugs beneath my skin, they hide so, my little slithers, yes. oh but my, are i not the most wonderful little sister in being so happy for my big sister and her great big fun time - oh my.

there was something creepy and tar-ish about sither doing this. she knows tt and i are trying to reach out and make friends here - she has many friends of her own. why knock my turf? why sip my tea, lick my brulee, or shit down my fluttering neck? why sither, oh why did you hurt me so? she did not know how disconnected we are? she did not know how much i miss and miss kindred, and how secant reminds me of my merrydeath...

sither knows now ...and we have patched over the cracks again. it is difficult to have a sither you love (and at times dislike) as a friend and relative. she is one of the few shoulders i have here, however, and such things make here even more precious to me. perhaps we shall break the taboo and all go out together (not shopping) and sink down into rapport.

i am a jealous beast, a jealous and unjustified beast - but it did make me feel a bit better to learn that my tt thought a bit betrayed and oogie about it as well.