today is day 4 of tt and i's anniversary week - and what a week of love... nothing high pressure or anything, you understand, just snuggling and breathing each other in. they do say the first year is the hardest year of marriage, and 30-50% fail then or soon after. i still do not understand that statistic, at least with regard to our relationship, but we have come upon some unexpected topics.

there is a bit more pressure to fix little nagging things when the relationship moves from transitory to for ever and ever status. you start looking close at the little things, tiny things that may bother you or your partner about either yourself or each other - and hopefully you address them and tweak a bit, changing together to get to a point where you are like 90-95% compatible with your mate. there will always be conflict and disagreements, of course as you are not the same person but two unique individuals - 100% compatible is just not possible.

i desperately hope i am not poisoning tt with my hate and causing this wave of depression (he says no, but still the worry persists) - this is one of my greatest fears. misery feeds on misery, and so i force myself to be up and up. i think i am on an upswing in any case, so it is not too tough to do, but i find myself impatient with his numbness and languor. my mind wants to play and jump and race - it whirs and beats and tosses paper airplanes at his static.

i know, for me at least, when i am down distraction or keeping myself busy will lift me a bit - if all else fails there is always sleep and sleep. it is hard to see my lovely tt like this and i find myself frustrated. not sure where the frustration comes from - impatience perhaps? worry? mayhaps i long to take his hand and go off to make some trouble, stir things up, skip and giggle together as our inner children break free... and we cannot. not sure. i must be more patient and understanding and stop trying to help/poke/urge him to feel better. he will in time on his own.

there must also be patience as we are both getting used to new medication. his to bring about clarity of thought and mine to lower my cholesterol. seems my cholesterol is high - which is odd as cheese is my only daemon - but high none the less. i have been advised by herr doktor to loose 15lbs. immediately - now - tout suite! it pains me to hear this, even though it has been expected for years and long in coming, it is still difficult. portions have been cut (even moreso) as well as some ingredients as such and i feel like crawling into the upstairs closet, burying my face and body behind the useless dresses that hang there abandoned. better yet i should go out to the garden and crawl down into the sandy earth underneath flaming birds of paradise to sleep with the moles, blind and dumb to the world above.

and i thought i was up - who was i kidding? up/down/up/down sheesh! *smile*

psst - we made the most wonderful pasta fagioli last night - i love you America�sTestKitchen!