today is exactly one month until i walk down the aisle with my daddy toward my darling tt ...and eternity. i have sparrows in my chest and adders in my tum, all slithering this way and that... its all fucked up. i passed the 29th negative one month anniversary without any panic or stress (we're signing the papers on the 29th you see, and being ceremonious on the 3rd) - but really the ceremony is the clincher/big event/day of the dead.

i have been so busy with work and planning (toss a little aikido and butoh in there and shake well) that i have not had time to give others any attention. apologies little kitties, i need all i have at the moment to keep this heart together.

together, together - tt and i are in this together, yes, ...strange how i feel so absolutely and utterly alone inside. this is much more than receiving the acceptance letter to the college of your choice, loosing virginity, buying your first new car, a masters diploma, an inheritance ...etc. and etc.

i have more doubt about the world and our government, and whether the quality of life will be "quality" enough for me to want to be alive in ten years than i do about the way i feel for tt. i have doubt in myself as a sane enough friend/lover/companion. i have doubts about life choices in general - but about him i am solid.

i am silent, invisible to you
while i count the days gone by

i am silent, invisible to you
while i shape the things to come