cool on your island just tears me apart, every time i hear it. it is tori day today at work as my officemate is out "sick." i love working along/singing with tori - it reminds me of my dreams where i attend new concerts with such beautiful and new songs.

my other officemate had a good point - he just said that whenever he comes home and his wife is blasting tori that he knows he is in for a long conversation. heh. yes.

*shrug*

i can only assume i am a difficult wife to bear - me with my whacked-out emotions, uncertainties about everything, my sky falling, my ground shifting... i know how it is from the inside, and imagine having me as a constant must be confusing, frustrating and difficult. my tt, he is a trooper, yes, my sailor, my tiger.

the other day i called the pass-thru from the trunk to the backseat the hotdog hole - *grin* - tt, knowing by now how i think, knew immediately what i meant. we speak a different language together, not always with words. i think that was the hardest part for me to understand - still is, likely - these silences and subtle gestures that burst and froth with emotion and love. the very translation of the flash of his eyes, slight twitch of his lips, the way he presses my thumbs to his under the covers...

i learn so slowly to enjoy being comfortable with silence, to not fill the emptiness with my fears and shrieks - silence makes me nervous. my thoughts scramble for text, wrapping themselves in knots and taffy whips. in the void, where there is no sound, the uncertainties stalk each other, the sad spreads clouds across the sky, blocking my moon. in any silence i am alone, lonely for you even if in your lap or holding your hand - these mental things isolate me.

tonight i drive to get aquarium plants, and an umbrella, and some other completely different plants for the porch, some ceramic pots, and maybe a beer...

i miss driving to VT with my wilde and singing at the top of our lungs together - i miss my grrls... and i need to catch up on journals - ack!

...when the walls close in around me, when the ceiling's caving in
when anxiety surrounds me, when my patience is wearing thin

sometimes i drive - to run from all my demons
sometimes i drive - so I can be alone
sometimes i drive - to see the world in different light
sometimes i drive - for no reason at all...