there once was one whose uppers shat upon them�that one, in turn, shat profusely on their lowers, etc. and so on and so forth.

need i say more?

i am bored, i wish you would go on vacation and leave me the fuck out of it.

i adore my new office. i am currently all alone�and liking it. lock the door, shut the blinds, shift barrel from temple to chin�and relax, exhale, exhaust.

that is not good enough, not helping�after all, what good is a fish after a few hours?

there were moments last night of anxiety and of thoughts not stopping, not thinking, not sleeping�there was panic and sweat
and then there was calm
fingernails tracing new bones, new crevasses�encircling wrists, smoothing thighs and breasts.

i am changing on the outside�i am working working at it, at me.

perhaps some of the change will effect self-perception/loathing, perhaps help me find a sense of use, of confidence, of love.

most marinades only permeate a fraction of an inch down into the flesh, just enough to flavor but not enough to do much else. brine is best, soaking through all � breaking down � consolidating and liquefying � softening the rough edges which will the practically fall apart on the tongue when forked.

i am past well, i am over�my ridges crumble at your touch, fall into myself.

tt is amazed at all of his parents friends being on anti-meds, but frankly they are all aging and have less and less to be happy about. their bodies are slowly dying, as are all of their friends � it all starts around 18. his parents may go on them soon, mine should be on them�*shrug*

i have been wondering if there are any inhibitors that could possibly just make the thinking stop�something magic for a sense of immediate release, happy, letting go, falling back.
i am so not interested in heroin and scalpels �
but there has to be something else, some release for those who cannot even escape with sleep.