the kitten went off in time to Ministry today...i tried to tell her that it was Hey!...Huh!...Hey!...Huh! but all she did was h0rk!...h0rk!...h0rk!...h0rk!

*snicker*

remember when we both were young
so reckless...and so furious

...remember when we felt alive
sometimes?

today is no concentration, staring at the ceiling and tap tappity tapping away the time with chipped fingernails. two nights ago i slept exactly zero minutes. last night there were a few blissful hours of away, and tonight in the arms of my tt i will sleep...

don't you worry
they won't find my body
i want you to know i found peace in another world

why all of the anxious? pacing? blood beat beating?

today tt is in philly, the semi-monthly meeting, and today he will ask about a transfer to the sf office. today we will know just how smoothe this transition can be. there is change afoot...ice on the wing...rain hitting cheeks, my eyes turned up toward the horizon, and what burns there.

and keep your eyes on her
keep
don't look away
keep your eyes on her eyes

on her horizon

luckily we have a meeting in about 20 min...a till lunch meeting, passing the time until the call, the call and the yes or no, the quick or slow...some of the answers. i feel fast-forward and numb, i feel reckless and recluse...i feel a bit dangerous and unpredictable, i feel calm and opaque. it is interesting stuffs, emotion is.

off off off to california, and big city, fog and fleu-vog, bartmuni and napavalley, therapy and sushi.

i need to beam again...to be enveloped in a ginormus and crushing fist of love.

side note:

utte was hit again the other day...third time for utte and fourth car accident total in 2002. the strange thing about utte is that every time she has been hit, she has not been moving, either parked or completely stopped in traffic. tt and i's theory is that she is a bad bad grrl and the other cars feelt he need to come up and smack her ass...either that or she is being sarcastically witty underneath her breath, and every now and then is heard?

regardless, unfair. i suppose i am still in karma payback for head-firsting katje into a guard rail in 2000 for the sake of thrills and chills. oopsie.

this concludes the morning entry and precludes the afternoon entry.

the call.
i no longer have my hopes up about tt being transferred to the sf office.

i am the applesauce i had with my lunch,
i am the pasta wiggling on and limp on my plate,
i am as solid and unyielding as the water i washed it all down with, a puddle.