contact be on of us recent in the past
long list of kaka | 18 August 2006 | 3:10 pm


i have my first appointment with a new therapist today. unfortunately this means that i have not really slept for like 3 days - a few hours here and there just does not cut it for me. i think i am anxious about the appointment and worried that i will not be able to explain what is going on with me - so many factors. as i do not know for sure what it all amounts to and i tend to suppress, this is a difficult process. i wonder if i'll be diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder again, or just the old standby of depression and anxiety. who knows... only weeks will tell.

i am so lazy and stubborn really - i work on myself constantly, yes, but it is on my terms. therapists always have some sort of assignment for you to help yourself, and it is rarely as easy and half-hearted as my daily routine. c'est la - it is a necessary thing as i am so tired of tears and fears and the prospect of this continuing for years (i'm a poet, heh. sad.) really i do not want my insanity to effect the happiness of my darling - this is uber and one of the most important things i have ever done. yes. oh, and i am doing it for me too *smile*

brainstorming for my session later on today, not that all of these are indincative of anything wrong with me or abnormal - just pieces of the pie:


*i get stuck in patterns very easily - and when these patterns change it upsets me.
*i am often negative or hopeless - little things can set me off into bursts of anger/rage.
*last minute changes in plans make me extremely nervous.
*i am used to using anger to solve conflicts or associate raising my voice with communication.
*i mutter and swear under my breath, sometimes to my darling husband.
*i need to control or approve all aspects of life.
*i do not trust easily, or i trust too easily - both are issues.
*i am getting a little weird about riding the bus and being in public places - i do not want to touch anything, ever.
*i cannot drive in a relaxed state.
*i cannot sleep through the night - i wake up a lot and most times cannot get back to sleep.
*i am starting to zone out and not pay attention to things, even if they are important.
*i still have little voices inside of myself that say it is hopeless, will never improve, that i should kill myself, why bother even trying.
*i am very negative about work and most of my coworkers (idiots.)
*i feel disconnected with my emotions and who i really am.
*i am barely social.
*i am starting to miss work more often.
*i have a very low opinion of who i am, but i feel superior to most people.
*i know i do everything right. i know i do everything wrong. i am full of conflict.
*i feel nervous about being prepared for things - even if i am super prepared, i feel like i am not.
*i feel like most people are lying to me or do not really like me.
*i give anything to others and little to myself.
*i feel the need to make everyone happy all of the time.
*i have a lot of resentment for my family and how i was raised.
*i feel uncertain about my future and fear i have made every wrong decision available.
*i have morning anger attacks - caused by anxiety about little things? maybe so, but i realize that too late.
*i think i may be just a bit obsessive compulsive - heh - and that tends to worsen over time.
*i feel unappreciated in my job and life. i feel ugly and unworthy.
*i constantly compare myself and my situation to others and am jealous of what others have that i do not.
*i am not satisfied or comfortable for seemingly no reason.
*i am afraid of social situations like parties and put them off whenever possible.
*i feel others are too selfish and do not give me what i need. i feel i am too needy and selfless. i feel i am selfish.
*i flip between being powerful (a fake persona?) and powerless.
*i feel there are many separate selves to me, and they rotate at random - disconnected.
*i cannot remember being ever happy when sad.
*i have a hard time having faith in relationships and friendships.
*i feel alone, even in a room full of people sometimes even if they are close friends or my husband.
*i feel like people know parts of me but not all of them - i hold back my feelings and needs in order to make friendship with me more bearable.
*i feel that if i let myself feel everything then i would fall irrevocably into insanity.
*i am afraid of becoming my mother and treating my husband the way she treated/treats my father.
*i am afraid i married my father.


have Mr.samuel L call up your friends to invite them to go see SnakesOnAPlane with you (free) - and fun, especially if you get the call at work. heh!

i am seeing it tonight - snakes!


. . . my previous . . . and next madrigals | guestbook |