very happy and very drunk at a friend's art opening and... i wonder, why am i here? or better yet, do i deserve to be here? i have not done art work for a while.
i suppose i can count the drawing for a flyer i made recently � a self portrait of sorts: booty embracing her inner self, dancing naked. the tt took stills of me for the portrait, so awkward and cold. one never knows their own faults so precisely until one trys to draw themselves without any covering � no shields no bars held. i am a serpentine and liquid figure in my own imagination � eyes closed and enveloped. in reality i am not so.
how do i consider photographs that tell no lies? an interesting experience. mostly i draw from fantasy � from what i want to be or wish others to be � all curves and fluid. how am i to draw myself in this manner, so see myself as something desirable.
i was talking to someone this week, someone reassured by my own awkwardness with myself. does everyone feel self-conscious in a crowd? feel scared and afraid? it is a fun concept � and a reassuring one. last weekend was candy and beautiful � so many amazing and new people to meet � so much beauty around me, but beauty not aware of beauty... this is the best kind.
how strange to live in one of the most outward and affectionate cities in the country and yet to be so alone. i was told to seek out the burning people here, as there are many � but how to seek out people who share a common interest that i myself have not shared? i am but a poser in such situations as i am terrified of the desert and allergic to the sun. there are people here with open minds and arms � there are people here in kind, yes, but we are quiet and bashful. friends of friends, yes, and those adored from across thousands of miles... with this we shall be content for now.
my mind this last week has been distracted by wet wet thoughts, and images of submarines and bouquets. it is time to plan for our special day (less than 6 mo. away it is time, no?) i am not in a competing mindset, you understand, for how can one even think of reaching such unimaginable perfection? i have some new ideas however, and am thinking them through into fruition. i am so excited to have new close and fond people to share these thoughts with as well as the solid and true, although i am also trying to not obsess. i have faults, and one of the big ones is being a girl who has dreamed about the special day since i can remember (typical typical me.) common, yes, and boring, yes. my thoughts are as an inner whirlwind, turning and building speed. i am anxious by nature � obviously � and am attempting to ignore the inevitable as long as possible � but my analytical and slightly OC tendencies will win out in the end, i fear.
in closing, to this drunken and slightly ambitious rant, i thank those close and dear for their assistance in making the boot a bit less insane. heart to all and thank you for listening to the future bridezilla to be. i am, inherently, dorkus prime.