why is it that the new friends i could think of this year are internet/journal friends? (and that is a stretch as well, for we don't hang out, share fries, take walks, shoot shit - nope. a stretch.)

most of the people i reached out to this year were in other states actually, Illinois, Pennsylvania, etc. i am so fucked up socially, really. i�ve tried to befriend work people - but they are WORKPEOPLE, ugh. if i were not so happy just spending time with my tt doing nothing/anything, i�d be lost. the evilimp, who was a last year meet *wink*, wavers and is busy - i have my doubts about her and our friendship� i am just not sure if she would stay in touch if i were not paying to see her every week at the gym. this pains me. aikido friends seem like a stretch as well - especially since secant is still happy/talky with sither and i am but a bruise on the wall.

horrible horrible - have i ever been outgoing? have i ever had courage for anything? have i every not been weak?

sometimes i want to kick myself again and again and again �there are tons of young/fun people out here, but every time i think of getting out and meeting them or going to visit i feel ill, i panic, i look for the nearest corner to dive into. am i too jaded? too afraid of being hurt? too careful? too callous?

i think i am just a pathetic whiner (weiner) - there are groups of people that have welcomed us with open arms - at least two completely different and unrelated, and quite wonderful, groups - but i shrink away. perhaps i need to keep concentrating on myself and self perception/how i see the world around me - perhaps to look more inward instead of outward for support?

perhaps that is only the easy way, and not the best...