too tired to write anything yesterday but the meme. *yawn* i met my former, former boss (former boss once removed? XX boss?) for lunch yesterday. he vacations in frisco as he used to live here in berkeley a long time ago (in his favorite and most fondly remembered years.) i have very few older relatives i am close to, and not much of a father figure at home - so i have adopted this catty old gay man as my stand-in father.

i like him, and like that i can have conversations with him about mostly anything - not being limited to how's the dog, dad? did you take him out for a walk today? oh! he's eating now, that's great! i'm glad you love the dog, yes...yes dad, i love you too - take care! *click* my father has never been much of an emotional asset or support giver - he's proud, but silently so. he's a laughing and joking zombie man who used to be a genius, and engineer, a math whiz ... now with the onset of hereditary dementia, alzheimers and deafness - he's not much more than an echo of a once great man. i worry and worry about him, and my reaction to his not recognizing me (coming soon to a theater near you) and also my guilt upon his death. i fear for my own sanity more than i fear for his life? yes. i am a sickness.

so i give as much attention as i can, and call as often as i can stand. usually mum is there to intercept my calls in any case, but what is worse, talking to the quick and evil self-loathing mum or the 1/2 senile pop? i call and i talk and i think and whirl - and i take my fears out on my love, my own SilentPartner. i fear becoming the demon cunt she is and forcing my love to become the zombie. i have the evil and hate inside of me for certain, the self-loathing, the rage - but i also have the freedom, intelligence and determination to not become so horrid.

why is there this stigma, this strong pull (definitely in my case) not to be like one's parents? i am sure there are people out there who try to emulate them - tt may, his parents after all are amazing, true and good hearted people, just like him.

i am going to infect and disgust him with my filth.

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o jakal, the inner woe and drama. can you tell i did not sleep well last night? or the night before? i must take care of my toe, and not aiki tonight - i must take care of my toe, my physical health, my mental health, the mental and physical health of others, yes, and in that order... i am too exhausted to do it any other way.

also, a reminder to self: keep your fucking mouth shut if only vile shit is to pour out of it - no one needs to hear that, especially not your SilentPartner at 7:30 am.