on a light note: octodog!

and on to heavy:

dream from this weekend: i arrive home after leaving work early, a half day. it seems tt and i now live in a studio apartment which is no more than walking directly into a bedroom, almost as if we are living in one of our parents houses. there are photos and posters pinned all over the walls and cats stretched out on the bed.

my tt is antsy, and a bit shocked that i am home.

he makes a call on his cell, twice, and finally comes over to me after he is unable to get through. he is expecting someone at the apartment and did not think i would be home. he is nervous an a bit jittery and wrings his beautiful hands as he sits next to me on the bed.

it seems he has been dating someone without telling me. this is quite a shock as he is still the amazing and caring boy i now love... i cannot breathe properly, only exhale, not in. he holds my hand - he is not done with what he needs to tell me. it seems she has just told him she is pregnant with his child. she is coming over to discuss...right...this...very...moment.

of course, there is a knock at the door. he jumps up and opens the door for her, his hand at her hip as he guides her to the bed to sit down, careful�oh so carefully - and i rise and pace around the U-shaped floor area. it breaks my heart, watching them...the shock bearable, but only just. everything speeds up inside of my head, as anxiety will, and they patiently wait for me to calm.

my one question - you, of course, will need help with paying for clothes and medical attention, care and college. he will need to be a father to the child. these are things that will be expected of him, no?

tt makes to answer but she cuts him off - of course not. but i see his eyes and know his honor - he will help her in any way possible - she and the child will always be a part of our lives.

and i panic and just before i wake have the thought, i do not want this, to be involved with families and raising. i cannot stay with him or deal with this situation. i cannot stay...i cannot marry him. it is over, everything is over.