last night there was much too much sad going on to type in an entry�i thought about it, but decided that the entry would just consist of bitching and moaning and death and destruction.

i watched sit-coms and painted my nails, and talked to the fish for a good while. i also ate a cheese sammich with toma-toes, dill pickle and caesar dressing. these are all good things (except for the sit-coms�eww.)

TT called and the ratio of sad to ok was evened out.

i am not a good person for surprises�at least bad ones. (who is?) i love love love change, but it does tend to throw me into raging fits of anxiety and despair. the change last night � TT would be away for another evening, dinner plans cancelled, and all of my hopes and joy for thursday utterly crushed into a pulpy mass of entrail-tastic ick.

on the 28th of this month it will be two years of this�this being utterly devoted and with one another � in absence. i am in a quandary. no, my thoughts have never been I cannot do this, or perhaps something/one else would be better? (note: double negative�perhaps even triple.)

I have NEVER had those thoughts�nor do my TT�s thoughts stray to that place.

�the alternative is unthinkable.

�but i/we are in a quandary as to what to do now. it is clearly unreasonable to wait for the economy to heal � for to move away � for to have a house together, dinner across our table every evening. that would be another year at least�and our skins are thinning already, transparent and fragile as glass. there are no technical jobs here for his caliber, and even though i hold a solid and nummy money job at the moment, i am still unable to support us (two humans, three cats, our apartment, multiple fish and utte) on my own (a future personal goal in case of emergency and/or independent consulting).

what then do we do?

where is the solution?
is there a solution?

everything is the most amazing and perfect and also the most heart wrenching and pathetic. those who see our life and wish�put that in your pipe and smoke it.

side note: put that in your pipe and smoke it�every time i think that, i snigger.