something strange happened yesterday/last night that i did not expect... not in class (although thinking about it now, it is quite obvious.)

i have been trained from a very early age that an upraised hand (slightly higher than a "HailHitler" but lower than a full "call on me, ooh! call on me" raise) - an upraised hand means freeze.
an upraised hand means you are bad, stop what you are doing and you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking about doing that and remember what happened last time you did something bad?

an upraised hand means you are fucked, but if you totally freeze you might not get the slap, might.

unfortunately we learned some moves last night in Aikido that involved blocking sword attacks, simulated by an upraised hand...yes, the hand. i totally froze up in class, a deer in the proverbial headlights. i could move my head, slightly, but only to shake "no." with the freeze came the associated feelings of shame and regret...of being bad - and of course with these feelings came more (not being good enough in class, being too fat to take the class, being a loser, incompetent, etc.) caught off guard, i was, and directly after the closing bows hightailed it to the car asap for a good cry.

it took me a while to figure out what was going on, but it was quite clear once found. as a matter of a fact, the image was so clear i actually felt nauseous.

damn the hand
and damn the mother attached to the memories of it - i should not have to deal with this shit, not now, not with her over 3,000mi away.

tt and i will practice the sword techniques, for we both think it will be empowering to learn how to defend oneself against the hand - and i believe practicing them with someone i can trust not to slap will help me break the emotional trend. (he would never never hit, no. he even has a problem spanking - even though i ask for it *wink* what a tangled web, yes.)