weekend highlights:

MassiveAttack concert last friday was amazing, especially the venue - we have never before went to a concert at the BerkeleyGreekTheatre - wow. wow!! next concert coming up - Celtic Frost - roooaaarrrwl!

saturday was two clear bills from the dentist and lots of snuggling time (dentist excluded.)

sunday was a super delicious brunch as well as a few new potential friends - how fun! i left tt with the ladies to wander around one of SF's street fairs and went off shopping with sither. lately hanging out with her has been a great highlight for us both. it is amazing to have someone to talk to about all of this psych stuff who was actually there experiencing growing up with me. our family is fucked, and great to have someone understand the gravity of that. i am a luckygrrl, i am.

later that evening was a flash of tears an emotion. at times like this the big fear comes back - i fear the more i talk the more i push my tt away, as i tend to push away joy/happiness/love. he does not seem to think it is a rational or real issue, but a true and anxious fear of mine. when i get caught up in thoughts it can seem like everything is falling apart, the sky filled with anvils and pianos, the ground dissolving into quicksand. it takes me a while to calm down from such states, especially at 1am.

yesterday (monday) was a trip to the psychai - much better appointment. i am thinking some of my angst after the last appointment was due to a huge amount of anxiety and pressure i forced on myself. the doctor is a good one and answers questions thoroughly. i now have something for sleep and am trying out cymbalta (similar to effexor/wellbutrin but less side effects) - we will see how it goes. hopefully after about two weeks i will start to feel a bit of peace and calm.

most upsetting part of the appointment was when we spoke about my condition and circumstances. seems that when you have recurring episodes over time, some being severe, you usually end up staying on medication for the rest of your life. it makes sense in ways as i know there are things about me that could be much better under control, but we will see about forever. it was not a definite, just a most likely. damn this anxiety and damn this depression.