last night's dream: i am in the hospital for an operation - a hospital strangely resembling a street car diner. i am in hospital dress, propped up on a gurney when they inject me with painkillers - for this operation i am to be awake. the surgeon comes by with a scalpel and positions my right foot just so on the gurney - he cuts my right toe in half lengthwise from the first joint down. there is no blood, no pain, just fascination. he explains to me that he can only do this up to the first joint or he would hit a valuable artery. from here they will have to complete the operation up the inside of my foot with tubes, scopes and lasers. i am calm. i wonder if my toenail will grow back in one piece, as it is now bisected in two, ...i wonder at there being no bone in the first section of my toe.

everything is fine and calm, and the surgeon leaves to get the delicate instruments needed for the rest of the operation. i wait patiently for a while, watching the bustle of the streetcar diner. a young hospital intern walks over with his girlfriend. he points at my toe and explains the procedure, showing off as best as he can. he picks up my foot and pokes at the inside of my toe with his naked fingers - it is at this point that i realize that due to injection i had earlier i can not only not feel anything, but i cannot move or speak either. i scream at him from inside of myself about his uncleanliness and my disgust - no one can hear me. i will be unable to tell the surgeon what has happened, unable to stop infection or malpractice.

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i think wendys is giving me nightmares.
i think my right toe has hurt for long enough.