austin 2-4

the conference is pretty darn good for a conference. so interesting to see old restored films for the first time. makes me think about maybe someday not doing the whole advertising thing and doing historical film restoration instead. no money there, but it is possible i would feel a bit better about things...? *shrug* no rush.

the back of my neck on the right-hand side has been hurting since yesterday - like someone pulled out a huge clump (ugh, what a horrible word) and tore out a nice piece of scalp - except it is a bit deeper than that, muscular deep. i have no headache, so it cannot be meningitis, right? i have no other warning signs either, except for the odd neck thing i've never felt before. i am pretty sure it is the hotel pillows, heh.

i was up at 545am against my will - nightmares. my dad has been in my dreams lately, reduced through alzheimers to a playful, but extremely confused 5year old. in this one i had to take care of him by myself. the usual was pretty awful, but then he started throwing up and playing with his vomit. somehow i had to take care of him, somehow. we were in a warehouse surrounded by my art which was slowly being flooded. he ran off to another part of the warehouse, giggling, and i found him in another large room where friends were already (and amazingly) mopping up the floor.

i'll tell you, i certainly woke up feeling loved - which helps when one wakes up in a state of utter panic/terror. hard to think logically at 545 in the morning, yes. as i cried i tried to figure out what i would do when my pop was put in a nursing home in pa, visit every few months? how to do such things and work at the same time? loss of pay? so confusing, and then the guilt about why i am thinking about pay and such when my pop is slowly degenerating. hard to describe how mixed these emotions are, as i've never been close to the man (although he did come up to boston for a week during a long about of depression (suicide) where he just talked to me, was honest, opened up.) it is most likely possible i am the only person he's ever reached out to in that way - certainly it has never been that way with him and me mum. oh the guilt - guilt will tear us apart...again.

in any case i am thinking about actually going to the 730am vendor breakfast as distraction from this empty room, and these thoughts. i must remember not to frown too much or give in to the need to be held by someone right now... anyone really can be convincing when they lie everything is going to be ok and shhh. it is not the words that matter, but the sounds.
i always try to hum or sing a bit when consoling, it seems a bit more honest.