last night i slept from 10:30-midnight and from 5-6am. what did i do in-between? i lay all wrapped up in the down comforter petting the kitties and trying different positions every 10 min. damnt. sometimes it is interesting to even be standing.

i get a lot of thinking done in the evenings when this happens - unfortunately i am so tired that i rarely remember what i was thinking about. what a waste. i should get up out of bed and do something to make myself tired, but my body just will not move - my body sleeps whilst my mind is awake - paralyzed.

my assignments for the last two weeks are/were to (1.) concentrate on pleasing myself during sex and (2.) think and write about the �but� contradictions inside of me. i have failed so far on point one aside from having some amazing conversations with tt - i am just way too self-conscious and guilty to open up. odd. point two i will try to tackle here a bit today (??)

tt said last night over dinner that if i ever killed myself he would be incredibly angry. little does he know that i am further away from that now than i have ever been... what a darling boy he is, loving and loving. i have so many feuding emotions inside of me, my thought magma, and they well up and erupt from time to time releasing pressure and angst, but i am hanging in. i suppose it is more like a valve tap than a volcano as i am working on controlling such things - one of these things is my negative reaction to everything i do and am.

negativity. my sense of self negativity seems to be something reaching back and rooting its claws in early childhood. my childhood was full of verbal and light (?) sexual abuse and a tumultuous family structure held together by stubbornness and a sense of parental duty. rarely have i seen my parents hold hands, kiss, hug or even communicate without derogatory or loathing tones directed toward each other. hate has a way of seeping into a child - hate, anger, violence, spite, mistrust and most of all, at least with me, self-loathing and negativity. seems i always wanted my parents to be happy and have picked on myself about it as a reaction to their anger. my grades did not make them happy, therefore i must do better in school - my softball did not make them happy, thus i must be bad at sports, etc. - obviously, at least while developing my personality and ways at looking at the world, i turn out to be a failure in my own eyes because i was never successful in my main goal - that of having a happy and loving family. it makes sense, but we shall see - and if that is the root of this issue, then what is the solution? only time will tell.

so - negativity - what traits/thought processes am i calling negativity? everything positive that i am/do has a negative side which cancels out the positive and does not let me enjoy accomplishments, achievements, etc. in my life.
some examples:
i truly believe that i am extremely intelligent, but i think everyone around is smarter than me/i am stupid - therefore i lack confidence.
i believe i am beautiful and an amazon warrior, but i believe that i am ugly, disgusting and horrible.
i am clever, but i am an idiot.
i am proud of my masters degree, but i am a failure in everything i do.

there is a clear train of thought, but where is the track leading me?

it is difficult for me to deeply and thoroughly believe both halves of these contradictory statements at the same time. i am often confused about how i really feel about things, wobbling from one side to the next always and constantly until i am uncertain what to believe anymore.
i mistrust compliments and love.
i lack confidence in myself and have to force myself to do even the simplest things.
i am fatalistic and believe everything will end or fall down around me, at times i am self-destructive.
i am never satisfied with anything and constantly fixed in a state of worry and dread about failure.
i am unable to relax and have fun without thinking and rehashing every situation (over-thinking which tends to ruin things as well.)

that is just a bit of it i suppose, the deeper i delve the more i will find out about why i am the way i am. i am glad of the way i grew up and who i became because i do believe i have a lot of good traits�
but i am also seriously fucked up.

heh.

*sigh*

just like the white winged dove...sings a song...
sounds like shes singing...Ooo baby... ooo... said ooo

well then suddenly...there was no one...left standing in the hall
in a flood of tears that no one really ever heard fall at all
Well I went searchin for an answer...up the stairs...and down the hall
not to find an answer...just to hear the call of a nightbird
singing...come away...

just like the white winged dove...sings a song...
sounds like shes singing...Ooo baby... ooo... said ooo...