i got a snake mang!

i keep forgetting to bring my vitamins with me to work - no vitamins for me! luckily i do not seem to be forgetting any of my 4 daily prescriptions. i feel like such a junkie - or at least buzzed most of the time. my psych-med has a few tiresome side effects - randomly clenching my teeth from tension and dilating my eyes into some japanime dream - the positive effects of the drug are many many. hopefully the annoyance of the others will lessen within the next few weeks. clenching teeth is awful - i went to the dentist from jaw pain and he evened out where my bite hits a bit, so things are a little better, but i am constantly worrying my teeth, tongue, gums, etc. damn it all.

tt has the flu or some cold with a sore throat. i, being superhuman and impregnable, have been sleepy and a grumpy grump. take that world, i am a wild carrier ready to infect you all. i still do not want to go to work. ever. and home has turned in to an extension of some sort of physical and mental sick bay. i hate concentrating this much on myself as i already am quite self-conscious and an over-thinker. multiply that by about 4 - 2 for me and 2 for tt, (would you like 2 lumps or 3?) and you have quite the intense relationship. most of the time we are so mentally exhausted that zoning out to the TV is the only option - most of the time just sitting near each other and holding hands while the world dissolves and shrieks is enough.

i miss ignoring the roots of my decay. i miss health and sex on the kitchen counter, in the snow. i miss being happy at work. i miss friends and hugs and conversation about somebody else�s life. i do not miss the sad and know the most positive things are often the most difficult to achieve.

on a less light note - i have been talking to me mum lately about me dad's diagnosis of alzheimer's. his brain scan showed a moderate amount of brain death already - as his memory is completely shot it looks like he may be in a state of rapid decline. if not rapid he has about 4 years to live after diagnosis at his age - his memory loss as well as his tendency to get lost anywhere outside of our house points to otherwise.

what does this mean? when i call home on sundays i will not have to worry about him picking up the phone for much longer. maybe 2 years, although impossible to predict reliably. shameful of me to not want to call and talk to him - ever. this is no change really as i would not talk to him years ago either... we just do not have anything to say.

the only chance at clear love and support from a father figure i will ever have is when he came up to Boston, without mum, to get me through suicidal tendencies for a few days. this is much more than either of my sisters ever had, yay me.
he does not understand simple questions now and seems to be only able to communicate about is the dog, its poopies and other dog related obsessions. supposedly it was all he talked about at his last doctor visit.
the word i most clearly remember him saying with joy and mirth is the word stinkers as he laughed and blamed the dogs. perhaps he has always been able to relate more to them than his human family.

i want to feel differently. i have been thinking a lot lately.

anyone want to go to Target with me tonight?
*sigh*