over coffee with the TT last night we talked conversed discussed each other, the way we relate to other people�how we tick as people and as a couple. interesting talks, these.

we discussed the harley-quinn and our feelings about the situation. i wish to pursue some type of friendship with her�but wanted to make certain that it would not effect TT and i�s relationship and such�and i am yet again reassured.

i have no idea how something like this would function�i have been told that she would be sick if she saw us together�holding hands�kissing.

could she accept the bootyboi in my life? �or would all conversations with her be strictly about work and school, leaving a huge part of my life in the shadows. that does not seem to be a good foundation for a relationship on any level.

neither of us are easy to forgive �but i have no problem admitting that i make mistakes, and that i have made many in the past. i am all about growth and experience and being humble. i think it is a big step for her to consider/want a friendship with me again�but i do not think that she will be very willing to work on our situation, and develop any type of closeness again. she has to protect herself�it is just something that she intrinsically has to do.

�and so do i � and so i understand, or at least try to.

what does this mean? what did my message to her last night on irc accomplish? she is moving away at the end of the spring semester�so why not drop it all together?

why?

�because she is an amazing and mentally attractive individual, so unique, so interesting. i value her friendship so dearly and i am just not willing to let it wither away�although it seems to be mostly gone. i have a hard time letting go, leaving words unspoken, situations unresolved.

love is about working things out, giving parts of yourself�sometimes a dangerous thing to do. last year i approached her with open arms/mind at least a few times, and received no response � nothing but cold silence, or her physically turning away from me. hurtful � but�she was hurting as well. it is all about defense of the inner core�the centaur and careful building up of a maze, protecting sanity and self preservation.

and so i wait, and am patient, �and try again. all i can do is to let her know that i care�the rest is up to her. it is not easy, a simple process�again time, and time and waiting and days and months.

but, at least i tried�

*shrug*

it is all i can do.

�

and now for thepalewanandsickly i must be here, hugging her this morning and kissing her brow � snuggled so deep in the blankets, asleep on our couch � and i listen and listen and support and take care�her best friend and lover ripped her out of his life, a violent gesture, displacement, horror.

what do i do now? he left but still loves me and i him, so what do i do now? i can not answer�right now there are no answers. she�ll get through�

�we all will, �right?