yes, i know...i fixed it, my older page is now neat and tidy. by the way, has anyone else noticed their "next" button just shooting people to the "index" journal instead of the "next" one? i was trying to cycle through some old journals, and was having a hell of a time. *wonders if it is her code, or a diaryland glitch* please extrapolate...

and a dream last night:

i decide to go live at home, that life is unfulfilling on my own (there is no TT in the dream). i move home and plan out my room, what i am going to change/move/paint. myformadibleopponent is there. he listens to me prattle on about these changes.

my room is 40' x 50' (huge!) with 20' ceilings. along one of the 40' walls and half of a 50' one there is an "L" shaped glass-enclosed area extending all of the way to the ceiling. in it there are plants and trees, a huge sunroof and the floor is made of large, round stones. i tell myformadibleopponent about my plans for an aviary, and which birds i will have. i explain that they will live in the trees and that i am going to have ferrets in there as well...incorporating, in detail, the doorway system i will use for to keep everything inside.

we are sitting on a mauve chaise lounge, and i tell him of my plans to move it inside the aviary, so i can sit in my tiny ecosystem and read, ferrets on my lap...birds singing. very snow white. my room is full with beautiful antiques, and i plan on keeping it as an apartment, never leaving to interact with my family.

i keep talking about myself, on and on, until i notice that myformadibleopponent is crying, sobbing and shaking, hiding his face with his hands. i feel awful and try to console him...have him explain his woe. he does not understand the world, and consumers, and selfishness...he is frustrated and angry and horribly depressed. the guilt wells up in me, because i have my perfect little world built up around me, and no worries at all...i am at peace. i do not know how to help him.

interesting

i was talking to bootyboi about such things just last weekend, and he tried to explain what was disturbing him about the world...and i just could not understand. i never thought about the similarities between these thoughts and discussions that i have had with myformadibleopponent in the past...mostly after smoking and getting to a very philosophical, even more than usual, mindset.

there are things that are simply to difficult to talk about...ideas that have not completely solidified or incomplete formulas. ways that we perceive and think about the world...how it hurts us to think, how we bury the thoughts away in order to function properly...how perusing them deeply effects our emotional states. how sometimes it is difficult to find reasons to perpetuate ones' self and ones' life. futility, hopelessness, frustration and helplessness. do we close our eyes and walk the maze, feeling our way? or do we face the terror of seeing what we are touching/doing/feeling/sensing.

it would be much easier to live numb. sometimes i wish to be a simple breeder, to not think and be able to ignore my surroundings and interactions therein without guilt�to just simply exist.

impossible.