one of the cutest things that could have come out of my boy's mouth this morning at breakfast:
"i'm having curtain and drapes thoughts"we are starting to sound like each other, methinks. *dodges all of the axes and daggers suddenly flying at her head* no, really...fun to have a boi who actually has concearns about table cloths and couches...and satin sheets. fun!also...
because my diary was so shitty and such yesterday, today i shall type in two
"two Wonderful Dreams, ah ah ah ah *lightening*"the first, from last night...
i am in a car with m (the cute x-grrlfriend) driving down the highway. we are chatting about nothing much, but obviously skirting some issue, because never once do we mention mypartnerincrime (our x-boifriend). it seems that she just moved into town with her new boy fucktoyz, and we bumped into one another. there was much water under the bridge that was swept carelessly under the rug, so to speak, and we smiled a lot. i was to show her two sculptures, one being a large interweaving of pipes at a construction site which we drove by and the other a huge "u" shaped, yellow painted, cement structure surrounded by an electric fence.
we shimmied through the gate and hung out beside the structure and chatted, flirted. she almost slipped into the fence on the way out! eep! fucktoyz shrugged it off, touching the fence with his hands and being thrown back. he explained to us that the fence was only charged with 125 volts, not 130 -- which was enough to stop the heart.
i *heart* when m shows up in my dreams and there is no tension...i do think that i miss her...and that i understand things better the more time is put between us. *shrug*
the second dream was a nightmare that i had this weekend...
i am moving into a new apartment with myformidableoponent. it is in an odd house, filled with old-person knick-knacks and wooden rocking chairs, floral pattern couches. the rooms somehow seem cramped, too small for their contents. we move into the grey and white painted attic. he has his stuff on one side, mine on the other. this is not a relationship arrangement, you see, but i needed a place to live after my TT died, and myformidableoponent offered to help me in my miserable state.
i walk around, unpacking, in a daze...shuffeling me feet and watching the floor. violent, who lives downstairs, has a housewarming party, ...and i decide that i should go.
harley-quinn and the clown are there, and he misses no turns at jabbing and teasing me. harley-quinn stays in the background, frowning at the scene he is making -- but doing nothing to stop it. he finally goes too far with a statement, saying something like, "yeah, but that fucker TT is dead now, so females can sleep well at night."
i freak, i jump up and attack, my words a harsh venom flying from my lips, stripping down every pathetic attempt at mocking me that he throws back...reducing him down to his human core. at this point, harley-quinn takes him by the elbow, like a child, and ushers him out into the night. i collapse into a rocking chair, utterly exhausted by the fight, and by the loss of thatwhichismostprecious, my TT, my life.
*frown*it was quite a nightmare...i think stemming from the fear of the clown's emminent return. harley-quinn told channel the other day that he is to return for a month (only idlechic and i were active). i think she was trying to give me a little heads-up, a warning of sorts, in her own way.
truly, the whole thing confuses me. TT does not sympathize with me much on her change of heart...for we differ on our opinions. i truely believe that she is a good person, the claws just came out in defence of her self, her fragile self. it is a bizarre balance of that and being hurt myself.
we both betrayed each other in ways...i befriended the enemy, i love the enemy, but was willing to love her as well. she shut me out/off completely.
...then there is the psychopath that was(is?) obcessed with her. dangerous. i believe that he would be happy to know that he terrifies me
...but that is not the case.i thought that it was time to let all of this go, let it stop, die and wilt away into the nothing that it was.
i think that is the problem, though
-- for it was never "nothing." harley-quinn was dearer than dear to me, a grrl of my heart, a kindred. i think that is the problem...i still love her, even after all of this.
and there is not a single fucking thing that i can do about iti am one with the TT now, intermixed so to say,...and extremely happy. this will not change...therefore...no solution.
