...reading about someone else's heart-wrenching makes me see the impending doom/sad all the more clearly.
i have the fear in me...and i will for how long (ever?) this (TT) is long term relationship 4, ...not that it is just another long term relationship that can be described by simply a number, but it is taxing after a certain point and one wonders how many numbers there will be, or cycles, circles...before mutual satisfaction is attained (interesting that i chose those words instead of, "until someone likes me enough to stick around" or "until someone finds my presence beneficial." good grrlie, the first one is a much better thoguht.)
it is not that i mean for these relations not to succeed, but i can not help but to ask the bootyboi mostly every weekend if he is sure...if he is certain he likes the commitment...if this makes him happy. it saddens me to ask, ...and i am sure, and he is sure.
so what the fuck is wrong with me? "it would be messy to breakup now anyway," yes. i agree.
i agree ...but would pick up and move on, again, again. it sucks to think about, but ingrained at this point, and something that i work with every day...something i hope TT understands...something that involves the past much more than present.
2 yrs, 3 yrs, 2.5 yrs ...and a year, almost, with bootyboi at this point. luckily this time i had grrl time inbetween to discover the person that is here, not the faximilie of what is expected by family/friends/relations.
good. goals for relation as of late:
-try not to cling-keep up ties with friends, for they really are important even though TT time is precious
-try not to cling
-do not ask about the future too much (esp. marriage), for that is pressuring and clingy (see above)
-have grrl time with myself
-keep on working on how i feel about myself and how i think about things/introspect
and i listen to advice, and i read other's thoughts/diaries...
i do not know. i just want it to work. i have done "alone" and "single" and am happy that way, surely... but i like you(pl) much better, ...and i like this one imparticular.
and i am trying really hard...
and i hope it is hard enough.
