so i am all tingly and flutter-by in the tum again. this time, perhaps not anticipation, but nervous? odd these feelings that reach out from my mind to effect different parts of my body. i feel ill. i do. my chest is caving inward and my legs are all flimsy, water reeds, and i am sick.

...and i am worried, truly. the sad has arrived again with its many tendrils and talons, and i am loosing me.

...and i am doubting, which hurts. even the act of the "maybes" coming into play again after weeks of "wills" and "is-going-to-bes."

i am sure it will pass with the hot hot disgusting sun this evening when i go to pick up TT at the airport this evening, traveling from one ocean to houston (??) to here, damn stop overs. useless.

there are ways of not letting the sad win, of this i am quite certain...i just have to delve more to craft them into useful things out of the mud, my little soldier golems, saviors.

is it the apartment in sd thing? is this the bother/worry source, or am i making up things again...things that will utterly rip/tear/scrape away all that is known and beautiful. i would melt. i would crumble into puddles,...i would eventually just evaporate all away...

and this makes me weak? does it?

tonight i will breathe him in, lay my head on his chest and think on this. i do not think that the apartment is a problem, after all, nothing changes. nothing has changed, and yet this sadness over facts that i was well aware of months ago.

facts:

we will live together partly. partially. semi-home. this is almost like living together, almost.

i knew this from the very very beginning and i thought of it as something new and interesting that i have never tried before, such as a long distance relationship.

i'll be with him mostly every weekend, truncated by planes. flyin/flyout... checkin/checkout... he is here/he is away.

other people can do this...so why not me?

i dunno.

it is time to think of something else now, and soon it will be time to go to the happiest of happy hour (happy whore) and drink a little and such. not that such things will help.